Presenting at Sacred Journey Fellowship, the Coffee Ritual

Announcements, Welcome.

Make special note of dishwasher for coffee cups
Set cellphones to stun. Candles of joy and concern.

opening chant

Where there is Life there is Coffee.
Where there is Coffee there is Life

We worship the Goddess Caffeinna,
We love to drink your Java.

Um! Java, Java, Java! Um! Java, Java, Java!
Um! Java! Um! Java! Um! Java , Java, Java!

Hymn, “Coffee, coffee, coffee”

Last Verse, special for this ritual
Mocha, Iced and Latte
Is this a Church or cafe?
Cappuccino, Macchiato, Cafe Americain
If we bought it outside, or we brewed it inside
Coffee we love it, brewed or instantly.

calling the quarters

Welcome East, Ethiopian blend, mother of all coffees. The beginning and the end.

Welcome South, Columbian blend, most popular of commercial coffees. May you sustain the masses.

Welcome West, Kona blend, the only coffee grown in the United States. Our own little escape clause against a coffee embargo.

Welcome North, robusta blends. It is by you that people know what good coffee is. Your taste and aroma remind us of the Earth.

calling the Lord and Lady

Welcome Juan Valdez, bringer of flavor and caffeine, with your faithful burro carrying coffee beans down the mountain.

Welcome Mrs. Olsen, bearer of good coffee, good intentions, and questionable advice.

energy building chant

It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed,
the hands acquire shaking, the shaking becomes a warning.
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.

repeat and increase speed until congregation sounds like coked-up gerbils

Homily

It is a truism that UUs are the church that can make fun of themselves, and we are going to contribute to that reputation with this ritual. When I first researched UU on the web there was a link from the UUA homepage to UU jokes, one of which I will now relate to you. I’m probably going to mess the delivery up but trust me on the written page this joke was hilarious…

There were three churches side by side in a shopping center, a synagogue, a Baptist church, and a UU church. A store in the shopping center caught fire and threatened to burn the whole thing down. The pastors of all 3 churches got to the mall and were told by the fire chief that they had time to get one item from each of their churches. The Head Rabbi went into the synagogue and rescued the chest that held the Torah, and all the Jewish people cheered. The Baptist preacher went into his church and saved the altar Bible, and all the Baptist people cheered. The UU minister went into his church and brought out the coffee urn, and all the UUs in the crowd cheered.

We really like our coffee here at Sacred Journey Fellowship. I have even seen a sermon paused so that the speaker could get the first cup off a second pot of the brew. One of the rules of the church is that I’m not allowed to make coffee without supervision, because I make “toothpick” coffee given the chance. You know what “toothpick” coffee is? That is coffee that is so strong 1) you feel like someone has put toothpicks under your eyelids 2) you can stand a toothpick straight up before you add the sugar.

It is truly amazing how much depends on this little seed, the number of industries that will come grinding to a stop if the supply is cut off. You could even say that this is a matter of national security, because when I was in the Army (National Guard) late night watches just wouldn’t work without strong coffee. I don’t know of any old-school computer tech that can function without coffee even during the day, much less at night. And I know that the people that work the late shift at the cop shop would not be as alert to protect our safety without coffee.

But for all it’s benefits nobody would drink it if it didn’t taste good, which is why I make coffee the way I do. I like strong coffee that hasn’t been over-extracted, that is hasn’t had all the flavor components removed to the point of pulling out the harsh, bitter ends. This results in coffee that will, as they say stand the spoon up before you add the sugar, but you won’t need to add as much sugar because the brew will be much less bitter. But that’s just my personal opinion and experience. There is a reason why a diluted cup of espresso is called an Americaine… because so many Americans drink coffee that never had enough grounds in the pot to begin with and you can actually see through to the bottom of the cup. Some people actually prefer this kind of coffee, which is the main reason why I don’t get to make the coffee.

But to make the perfect cup of mud you can’t start with just any old grounds. There are actually 2 species of coffee bush, the arabica and the robusta. The robusta is easier to grow and hardier than the more delicate arabica, but it makes a cup of coffee that is a cross between burnt wood shavings and actual mud. And it tastes pretty much the same no matter where it is grown, deriving no subtle differences from the soil or the amount of sunlight it gets. The more delicate arabica on the other hand does taste different when grown in different soils and different amounts of sun and shade in the same soil. The volcanic ridges in Brazil and Columbia produce fine coffees in large amounts, while the soils and mild weather on the Big Island of Hawaii make some of the finest coffee in the world. But lets not forget the place of origin of coffee, the hills of Ethiopia, where every hill makes a different kind of coffee, sometimes 2 different kinds depending on which side of the hill the bushes are grown, the sunny side or the shady side.

But in the final analysis most people love coffee, for a variety of reasons. The boost of caffeine, the flavor, or the warmth of a hot cup on a cold day, the benefits of coffee are many and varied, its history rich and colorful, and its consumers come from all social and economic strata. Coffee is the most UU of beverages.

Pass the collection basket

As much as we would like it this church cannot run on coffee alone, we have to throw a couple of bucks in the plate every so often or else turn the lights out and the A/C off.

Devocation

Thank you Mrs. Olsen for attending our ritual, now take your cup of Folgers and go with our thanks.

Thank you Juan Valdez for attending our ritual, time for you and your burro to go back up the mountain and get more coffee beans.

Thank you robusta, drink of the North, drink of Earth. Go if you must, stay if you would, but harm none on your way.

Thank you Kona Blend, drink of the West. Go if you must, stay if you would, but harm none on your way.

Thank you Columbian Blend, drink of the South. Go if you must, stay if you would, but harm none on your way.

Thank you Ethiopian Blend, drink of the East. Go if you must stay if you would, but harm none on your way.

Thank you Elements for your presence in our ritual, we will have a little party in your honor afterwards so please stay as long as you can.

Amoeba! extend a pseudopod to the West in honor of Harold Adams, our most confirmed coffee drinker who now drinks in the Summerlands.

Scary violence against cyclists at TdF, and in US

Yeah, normally I don’t cover what happens in pro bike racing because what they do on closed roads normally has nothing to do with us just riding to get from A to B, but this was something that could have happened to anyone in the US at any time, especially if they ride in large groups.

And what I’m referring is this story. Riders hurt in Tour de France shooting Three shots reported fired, 2 injured by bullets, one of the injured 3 time World Champion. The report thinks this was random, but I think not. Not everybody in France is as happy about the Tour as the people making the big bucks off of it, and there are lots of bicycle haters just over the Channel. They lack access to arms, so that might not be the source of the marksman that hit 2 out of 3 cyclists doing in excess of 30 MPH on a slight downhill.

In CO a bike v bike wreck on a tight turn on a MUP. Boulder teen seriously injured in bike crash because this was a bike wreck the hit-and-run statutes don’t apply, plus the other cyclists hung around until EMTs pronounced the victim to be out of danger and not seriously injured. Regardless if you find yourself in a similar situation be sure to exchange contact information with the injured party so you can be responsible if you are at fault.

A cyclist is hit by a “Mac” (sic) truck in Rome GA. Bicyclist Killed in Rome Thursday The cyclist was struck at approximately 6 AM but in spite of the limited detail of the article they mention a lack of reflective gear on the cyclist. As the time of day is right around sunrise limited lighting could have been an issue, or they could have just decided to blame the cyclist for being there to be hit and gone one about their business.

And another FL bike wreck, non-fatal (so far). Bicyclist injured in Fort Myers crash identified another SWCC SWSS wreck as the cyclist was supposedly crossing the main highway, but you can’t cross the main highway at that point, there’s no break in the median so, WTF? Do a Google Maps search for the wreck site and you will see what I mean. Street View shows a clear sight line for oncoming traffic at the stop sign even though the sign is set back several feet from the intersection. Without the cyclist’s side of the story we won’t know what actually happened in this case.

Another wreck in Boise, with a cop. Off duty officer hits bicyclist near 4000 North This was in my Feed but with a dead link, but I was able to find a live link from another report from Boise. Cop was going to the lake and ran a stop sign with his truck towing his boat, and there was a cyclist on the road where he did it who than got hit… Gotta be extra careful around intersections, threats from 4 directions at once.

There were 2 bike wrecks in close proximity in Canuckistan this week. Cyclist injured in collision with car That was the female cyclist hit by a stop sign running white car, and Cyclist injured in North End hit and run was the male cyclist hit in the same vicinity by a similar vehicle, the two wrecks were only 2.2 km separated. As for avoiding the wrecks, the male cyclist was hit in the back wheel from the side by a stop sign running vehicle, generally insufficient reaction time to avoid such a wreck, and the female was hit from the right if the pictures are right, which could mean the driver was passing illegally, also a low probability to avoid as the escape route was cut off by the motor vehicle.

A pair of cyclists was hit from behind in Enn Zed. Cyclists seriously injured after hit-and-run Hit from behind by a van or light truck and BTW a hit-and-run, not one but 2 cyclists. Wow. The cyclists were lucky to survive as they were separated from their bikes which were unrecognizable after the wreck. New diatribe against hit-and-run, no more digging a huge hole and throwing the perps into it with rabid badgers or wolverines and then filling the hole with concrete. Naww, I want to lock the perps in a cage with kittens and puppies after giving them pet allergies and kill them with cuteness. Death by kawaii! The only problem with that is how to give somebody an allergy.

Another report on the MN traffic toll in 2008. DPS Report: 2008 saw lowest traffic death total on Minnesota roads since 1945 Again bad marks for motor- and bicycles, but everyone else was good what with the high price of gas and whatnot.

They put up a Ghost Bike in Boise. Ghost bike memorial to mark where bicyclist died Good that one went up for a cyclist killed through no fault of his own, bad there was a need to do so…

And they do other things with bikes besides Critical Mass in SF, they ride just for the sheer joy of self-propulsion and also for Art. Last Night: Joyride Art Show at Market Street Gallery and Ever Gold Gallery Lots of people having fun and creating art about having fun on a bicycle…

And that’s all I have today, and there is a service at church tonight (not my service, that was moved back so that Excellence In Ritual can use it as a teaching moment) so I will be away from the computer again tonight.

Billed @$.02, Opus