I really wish there was a better way of putting it, which is actually part of the problem I’m dealing with. To be succinct I don’t word well the last couple of days. I have things to say, but when I sit in front of the laptop to put feelings into words, there are no words forthcoming. So instead of a cogent diatribe about the day’s events you get this, or even worse you get nothing.
I know the problem, the problem is an evil confluence of brain damage and depression. But knowing the problem does nothing to give me a handle on solving the problem. It’s kinda like when you fall out of an airplane without a parachute, you know what the problem is but the solution is out of reach. At least when your problem is unable to find words your impact is less messy than falling without a parachute. And I know this seems like I have a handle on words at the moment, but these are not the words I need to fix my problem, these are the words to describe my problem. And what is really annoying is this is some of my best writing in ages, writing about not being able to write what I want to write about.
While I’m on the subject of not being able to write what I want to write about, I’m having keyboard issues with this 4YO laptop. I use the arrow keys to navigate and edit because I grew up using them before mouses and touch pads were invented. Hell I used to write using a portable typewriter before PCs were invented, and a government-surplus Underwood before that. I think that one weighed in around 50 pounds, and had to be set gently on a desk to prevent structural failure. Which brings me back to the subject, the arrow keys are malfunctioning on my Chromebook. Specifically the down arrow key is dead, which is the key I use to return to the end of the sentence after I edit a word. It’s also the key I use most to navigate my bookmarks for reading stuff to cheer myself up a smidge. This is a mechanical failure from the symptoms, as the down arrow key is the only one on the keyboard that has lost markings indicating function. This used to be a common thing with my keyboards before they expired mechanically, specifically the “e” and “s” keys. I can’t tell you how many keyboards I have trashed because they wouldn’t type the letter “e” or use the space bar any more. I think I averaged about 2 keyboards per computer back in the old days of writing poetry and the precursor to this blog.
Add the dead key to the other issues with this computer and also the brain issues, well you get a writer who can’t write, which is kinda like a fish that can’t swim or a bird that can’t fly. You have something that the name describes that reason for existing, unable to perform that function. Talk about your existential crises, that’s what I’m living with. And as an example of contradictions I have written more than 500 words about how I can’t write today. And I never got to why I was bad at being human, but long story short, I haven’t had enough gumption to find my way into the shower in days. Among other things I don’t do that I should as a functioning human being.