I’m wandering without a compass here

And a map would be nice, too. That is what depression does, it robs you of your sense of direction and knowledge of what is ahead and behind you. And in this case knowing is not half the battle. Just because I know that I’m depressed, and that depression robs me of my sense of self and self-worth, doesn’t mean my depression goes away. Even with medication I’m still depressed, just not as depressed as I was without. And that only takes care of the chemical part of depression. Anything that’s caused by external factors, like a pair of nit-wits threatening to destroy the world in a dick-measuring contest, is up to you to deal with. So Cheeto Jesus and Rocket Man rattling sabers are creating a whole new group of medication-resistant depressed people.

Anyway, I know what I need to do to get the money to build the car, I know what I’m going to buy with the money once I get it, I know how to use the parts and materials once I buy them. It’s just finding the drive to get up and get the money. Taking that first step, that’s the scary part. Literally getting the courage to take the first step, and the next and the next. In my mind’s eye that first step is a huge cliff towering in front of me. In reality it’s literally getting out of bed and walking out the door. I do that. I get up and get dressed and walk out the front door to go to the Lab Rat Keeper, but it’s a struggle when I’m doing it for my own selfish purposes. I know that people need the plasma I would be selling, but that turns it into a commercial transaction, not expanding the bounds of medical science a minutia. And for some reason, doing things for just me with no altruism, makes silly things like getting up in the morning almost impossible tasks. Going to get my insides poked around on the off chance it will lead to a surgical cure for hypertension, I’m ready to go. Sell something that people need to live, me-h-h-h, that’s too haaarrrd! Same action at the same time of day, one altruistic and the other mendacious, but only by the tiniest margin, and altruism wins. Don’t ask why, I don’t know. That’s why I’m mentioning it here.

Another thing that’s worth mentioning is that writing about this is easier than not doing anything about it, believe it or not.

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One response to “I’m wandering without a compass here

  1. Opus. My good friend!
    I hear you! Depression sux! I call it “spiders”. In my case (and many others) it stems i think, from the notion that you are not worthy of love.. even from yourself. I k now that’s the case with me.
    It has been a huge obstacle inmy life. If i know that i am not good enough, how can someone else think im worth while? Yeah…i got that one!
    But, no matter what you think. You do have friends who value you. I am one.
    It has taken a long time for me to accept that my lady friend actually cares for me. Its a struggle.
    I have lost a few friends to depression. It is always a shock, and no one understands. “Why didn’t they just call me? ” but it isn’t that simple.
    Anyway. I won’t say “dont be down” that isn’t the answer. But maybe knowing that you are not alone might help a bit.
    Your friend
    Papa Balloon (philosopher)

    Liked by 1 person

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