So that’s how it happened

Something that has been bothering me for almost 17 years has been how I was dead, and then I was telling people to be careful because I had broken the upper end of my femur, and how I went from no pulse or respiration to Chatty Cathy. I think I might have mentioned a few times that when I have a problem I never really let it go, it just gets put in the back of my mind until I solve it.

Well, I think I solved this one. The first two times I was hit with/by trucks I was hit from the side, so I got bruises and torn pants and skinned up, but never got the wind knocked out of me. Well the last truck got me from behind and my chest and back smashed the cab so that aside from the blood and lack of plant matter it could be convincingly said a tree fell on the truck. That impact compressed my chest considerably farther than any impact I had ever felt before, enough to knock all the wind outta me, and also stop my heart because it was squeezing my heart. So for about 2 minutes I wasn’t breathing, and I had barely enough heartbeat to keep my brain alive, but not enough to detect by palpation, or to quote The Princess Bride “mostly dead, but not all dead”. When they tried to scrape me off the street enough air came in I could breathe and advise them that I was not dead yet and to be careful of the broken leg. This also explains why I didn’t get the tour when I hit the afterlife. Afterlife is for people who are all dead. Mostly dead people get the waiting room, to see if they die all the way or come back to life, and the TV in the waiting room is 3D and set on the Universe Channel and they don’t bother to tell you how it works because you aren’t going to be there long enough to change the channel anyway. I still wanna know who the guy who was telling me to become one with the universe was. Was he like me, mostly dead, but got there sooner, or was he watching to see if I stayed dead before starting my tour of the afterlife?

In a way I’m glad, because I still have the customer loyalty card from Charon’s Ferry, and also I’m you know not dead. But still I have questions about the customer loyalty card, the waiting room, the other guy, and just WTF did I experience. The fact that I did not have a heartbeat prevented me from bleeding out of the massive holes in my leg, and got me as far as the waiting room. But the lack of answers to questions for over 16 years bothers me.

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One response to “So that’s how it happened

  1. We’ll have that 3D TV in the waiting room soon… and maybe there will be an infomercial that will explain it all to you!

    Like

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