Daily Archives: May 24, 2020

My life is a bad novel

I was just having a discussion on a Discord about what can be believed in a story, and what just doesn’t happen in real life. Then this person proceeds to pretty much describe my life experience in a different order and leave it as an example of a story that can’t be believed.

Now I sometimes think I need to get a better script writer for my life, or stop doing my own stunts. I saw a T-shirt a while back that said “I do all my own stunts”. I need one that says “I’m improvising an action adventure movie, stand back unless you want to be in the stunt”. I mean like seriously who else does this happen to?

My childhood was chaotic because I was a Cold War Military Brat. OK one of several thousand there. Got caught in a short armed conflict as a child, that happens. Accidentally set myself on fire while trying to do something nice for my parents, that happened to a lot of people. Been shot at several times, all missed, happens to a lot of people. Been hit by a truck and walked away, again, happened to a few hundred people. But I’m sure you can see these are very small sets and the overlaps are getting smaller and smaller. Add in the fact that I’m in some of these sets multiple times and the statistics and probabilities start getting ungood. I mean, the probability of getting hit by a truck such that the truck had to be scrapped is not high, the odds against surviving that are even smaller, the odds of it happening more than once are astronomical, the odds of walking away from it twice are just beyond calculation, and surviving it 3 times? My calculator blew up (not literally, but I did get an overflow error, just from surviving the first two). My calculator can’t go higher than 9.999999X10^99, and I got that for surviving the first two wrecks and walking away. After that, well things get really improbable. Anyone remember the starship Heart of Gold? My life is a byproduct of someone taking it for a joyride through our universe. I mean seriously some of this stuff is just completely unbelievable, leaving out the trucks I killed. Just counting the number of times I was accidentally downrange when someone started shooting and you start getting crazy odds against before I even get into the Army where people are supposed to get shot at.

Now you wanna get into really high adverse odds, look at my sex life. Or don’t, because it’s not believable either. Or delivering my daughter at home compound breech, nobody even scratched. Or a bunch of other things I still can’t talk about that officially Never Happened, And There Were No Survivors since it Never Happened…

The Venn Diagram that tracks my life looks like a spirograph with thousands of ellipses that have only a single point of commonality, and that’s just What Happened. When you add in Location and the odds against my being there Where It Happened, When It Happened… Some of these things could happen anywhere, some were very time and place specific. And the odds against being There and Then…

I’m going to stop this because I’m getting a little squicked at this.