Monthly Archives: December 2021

“Thinking Too Much” again

And trying to figure out how not to think too much, because truth be told it hurts!

Like seriously, considering all the things I did wrong, or all the things I did right but hurt somebody but only because it was the lesser of two evils. Or because there was no alternative, and my natural alignment is Chaotic Good. Good when I can, but Chaotic when I Must. And far too often, I Must be chaos, for the Greater Good. And even though I know this is for good it still hurts.

Anyway, I start thinking about this when I read fiction that is about having to make moral choices. The really good superhero fiction is all about moral choices, like the first arc of the Spiderman story through Uncle Ben’s funeral, or the Hail Hydra arc of Captain America. Or another Cap arc, the Nomad story. Or the original Robin’s metamorphosis to Nightwing to bring in an example from the DC universe. Sure most superhero stories are wish-fulfilment fantasies, but many of them are all about morals and choices, and consequences of those choices. One story I read the hero/protagonist had to make the same choice, over and over, and no matter which choice she made the outcome was the same, it just was quicker or slower, depending on the choice. The Who What When and Where never changed, just the direction from where it came from, and how many people got hurt between making the choice and the final outcome, and it wasn’t The Protagonist that was ultimately affected, the choice was about a third party’s life or death.

Anyway I have been thinking about some of those moments in my own life, and possible alternative outcomes, or even if there was any chance of an alternative outcome. You know, as you do when you are a super. And eventually you just have to accept that what is done is locked away in the past and is unchangeable. What you did, and what was done to you. The best you can do is making sure nobody else is harmed by the things done to you, and that you never do again the things that harmed someone else.

And that’s enough words and thinking for tonight.

I’ve been reading a lot of superhero fiction lately

And I keep thinking as I read about the lower-powered heroes, “I’ve done that (or that happened to me a couple of times)”. I even made a page on the site about it, my history is that of a low-power super. I have survived things that would have killed most people, several times. Since everyone knows supers are just fantasy wish-fulfilment I kept telling myself I had extraordinary luck, not superpowers. The first two times I walked away from getting hit by trucks I tried to come up with a plausible story (hit me with both feet in the air, the frame was eaten away by rust) that just made it look like I was just very lucky, not a super.

Even in the face of undeniable evidence of superpowers (2001-08-31) I maintained for years I was “lucky”. And the recovery was in the super level as well, I used to joke that I was an IRL Wolverine because of how fast I healed from injuries.

So, anyway, I’m reading the ninth book in the Wearing the Cape series Joyeux Guard and the POV of the story bounces all over the place but in the part I’m reading now the narrator is a human (Base) Journo writing a story about the new Super team that’s the same name as the title of the book. I’m just a tick over halfway through the book but I felt compelled to write for some reason as the journo gets caught in a terror attack on a refugee camp in Khazakstan and uses a taser with a setting called “dinosaur” to distract a high-level super from attacking the good guys in Joyeux Guard while helping protect refugee kids. Basically her taser is just powerful enough to distract Super Baddie from continuing his attack on the MC of the series (even though she’s barely even in some of the books like Bite Me).

And now I’ve had less than 4 hours of sleep in the last 36, and I’m on fumes, literally. I’m going to turn off my music player, put this post to bed, and then put myself in bed.

Am I allowed to be angry?

On the one hand I’m a white cishet male, with all the advantages that entails. On the other hand it has been almost 10 months since I had “that kind” of contact with a person of my desired gender in spite of actually sleeping with one in the same bed, that I paid for, in a house that I paid off, and that I pay the taxes and insurance for every year. And I don’t have the budget to pay someone to get “that kind” of physical contact.

So, am I allowed to be angry? I don’t get any free, can’t buy any, so basically don’t get any at all. On top of that things hurt all the time, which I think is related to the previously stated problem.

Took Mrs. the Poet to dinner last night

I fired up the old cell phone for a trip to our favorite local (to us) restaurant and bought Mrs. the Poet a good dinner. Well I don’t know about “good” as in it wasn’t haute cuisine, but the food was pretty good tasting, and there was a lot of it.

I had my usual burger from this place, which was two quarter-pound patties, 2 full strips of bacon, and a fried egg, with the usual vegetables on a burger. Mrs. the Poet had a grilled chicken sandwich which was like, half a chicken worth of meat on a patty, I have no idea how they did that to look like a grilled chicken breast unless they have made some GMO chicken that is 30% breast by weight, that said sandwich she pronounced “Delicious”. It had a bunch of sauces and garnishes that I didn’t recognize, but as Mrs. the Poet said it was good, so as long as she’s happy with the food I’m happy she was happy. I’m sure the Long Island Iced Tea did a lot to improve her perception of the food and her mood. I had my usual Coke Zero. We also had Too Many Onion Rings as our appetizer, and a single scoop Sundae for her dessert. I skipped dessert because I was going to have something at home later.

The Former Guy was in town for something or other at a local church that has more money than sense, and fortunately the Giant Meteor managed to not wipe out the state, by not showing up. Also in the news was the forecast for Christmas is going to match the record high temperature of 80°F, which is crazy hot for the end of December. Well last week of December, not the actual end.

Also I installed the antenna on Mrs. the Poet’s TV to see how viable cutting the cord will be. Answer: not very. We get 2 channels and about 10 sub-channels, and pretty much none of it is what we watch on the regular. This is puzzling, because almost all the broadcast TV comes from an antenna farm 13 miles away in SE Dallas except for one a little closer but in the same area which was one of the channels we got. Also puzzling what we got was crystal clear and solid, but other channels less than a quarter-mile further away were nothing but static. Basically everything but the two channels we got was static, but what we got was rock solid and clear as cable TV. Don’t ask me to explain it, my experience with TV was from the analog days, this digital stuff I understand intellectually but not in practice.

I may have to abandon the Sprint-T project because I won’t be able to get in and out of it. I had a terrible time installing the antenna on the wall and that was just 2 steps up and down the stepstool, not clambering over the side and through the top of a roll cage. It’s not a matter of strength, it’s I’m losing agility. Basically all my hip and knee injuries are coming home to roost, I have trouble moving my leg high enough to make the step, same problem I had trying to get on a bike two years ago but worse. I don’t have the range of motion I need to climb over the top of the cage and get into my car. There’s nothing that hurts, it’s just my leg doesn’t go that far anymore. I can make a regular ladder step, but not the move I’ll need to swing into the top of the roll cage. I might have to build a roll cage simulator to practice getting in and out of my car…geriatric jungle gym? America’s Funniest Home Video candidate?

I had a great idea for a product

I had an idea for a product to sell to the foil hat people. You know, all those conspiracy people thinking that 5G cell phones are emitting mind control rays to make you vote for Democrats? Well foil hats don’t actually work, because they don’t send the energy to ground, they just keep the MCR all around your brain, scrambling it.

What you need is something that goes on your shoe to connect to ground, and then a clip to connect to the foil cap, and a wire between the two. After you make the foil hat and make sure it’s firmly attached to your head, you attach the clip to it, then run the wire inside your pants down your leg to the grounding plate on the bottom of your shoe. That makes sure the mind control rays have someplace safe to go away from your brain. Put the plate under the wear point on the ball of your foot so it stays in firm contact with the ground.

Where’s my snow?

I noticed that the December snowfall on WP sites missed my blog this year in spite of my selecting that option several years ago. I mean what’s up WordPress? I looked forward to having snow this year because it was “normal” to have snow for Christmas in the blog, even if we never saw any here in TX.

And I checked settings and now the snow effect is only available with a business site, not on the free sites like mine. Well it seems like the nice thing are only available to people willing to spend money.<deep sigh>

Nothing much new since last post

Basically nothing has changed since I last posted except for new pains in my knee. Well not “new”, just pains that I haven’t had in a while. Oh, and I had an update on Windows that I didn’t approve before it happened. Basically I shut the computer down before bed and had to wait 20 minutes for the update to install when I fired the computer back up after I woke up. Very annoying.

The “new” pains are actually old pains I hadn’t had for a while, like years. Basically my right knee is a little unstable from back in the XXth century because I have been abusing my knees since the 1970s, and when they get sloppy the edges pinch and hurt. Well my right knee is “sloppy” and I’m getting pinching pains off and on at the inside and outside edges when I walk. As said, it’s annoying, but not crippling. And I know crippling pain. As in when I got hit there was torn ligaments in my left knee that didn’t get caught and fixed until months later and the doctor wasn’t able to do much because I had already healed up the torn edges but the ligaments were longer than they should be because the edges should have been touching as they healed but they weren’t. And I had the same pinching pains in my left knee I have in my right knee now. So long story short an old injury is back from a long time ago.

On the Sprint-T the aches and pains are keeping my from finishing the layout for the Drillium of the front axle and I really need to get longer drill bits so the pilot holes line up on opposite sides and look better, so the actual holes are directly behind the hole in the front of the axle and on the same plane front to back. I don’t know how much actual weight a bunch (theoretical maximum of 76 total) of 0.75″ holes drilled front and back of 0.25″ wall thickness is going to save, but it is something. Also the holes will reduce the strength in impacts so less force gets transmitted to the driver in a wreck. As you might imagine less forces on the driver in a wreck is kinda important to me. And running the numbers I can realistically expect almost 2 pounds less unsprung weight from all those holes. Yay? So actually worth the work?

Other news I’m taking Mrs. the Poet to dinner for her birthday but not on her birthday, she’s turning 69 tomorrow, but we’re going to dinner on Sunday. It looks like we’ll be going to the local Red Robin, because she wants to sit down with a menu but doesn’t want to spend money. She’s fully vaxxed, so am I, but we still want to limit exposure and the local Red Robin is still doing social distancing, so that makes us happy less worried.

Had to switch to backup internet for a while, and other stuff

Basically about midnight last night Spectrum dropped the ball on internet (and phone as we use VoIP for phone service) so I had to fire up the cellular modem for WiFi. I couldn’t get the faster of the two WiFi modems to work, so it was a little slower than the hard line internet, but not noticibly.

Anywho, the one WiFi runs on 5G, the other runs on 4G, and the 5G one just didn’t crank over so I was left with the slower WiFi. I think this means Casa de El Poeta is in a 5G dead zone or something, but we have 3 out of 5 bars on 4G reception. Anywho, the cable internet and phone came back sometime in the morning so we have spam calls and I’m on the wired internet now.

There is an internet problem in that music and streaming YouTube seems to work, but new pages take forever to connect. So probably a DNS issue somewhere along the line. Updates to this post seem to load just fine, it’s just loading new sites that seems to be the problem. This doesn’t seem to be a Spectrum issue, at least after looking hard at the symptoms so far, but if it is then it’s most likely a DNS issue. As in their name servers are just overloaded and not connecting very fast.

Other news I’m still working on solving that naked woman deficit without incurring a financial deficit. Unless I get a large COLA for my SS next year I don’t see how that’s going to work. And with the pandemic destroying my ability to meet other people, well finding friends with benefits is low-probability. And incase you are wondering, Mrs. the Poet isn’t stating explicitly, but it seems like anything, including hugs and kissing, is uncomfortable to painful for her. Plus she’s been pretty damn close to Ace, sex averse most of her life. So the damage from age and her previous orientation combined make whoopie a non-starter. And makes me crazy.

In other other news, I’m laying out the Drillium on the axle trying to get as much weight reduction as possible with as little strength reduction as possible, looking for that sweet spot where I drill out only metal that doesn’t carry any stress during normal use. I don’t care about crash stress because if I crash hard enough to bend the axle I’m going to use that to build an IFS from composites🤪. Also I only matched one number on two lottery tickets so I’m still p’, too poor to buy a vowel. So, still hunting for funds. I have enough to survive, but not enough to enjoy life.

Mrs. the Poet, “You sure know a lot of crazy people.”

By which she means I belong to a gaming group that has zero neurotypical people in it, including me. One person is depressed verging on manic depressed when her meds are off, there is at least one autistic person, one person with narcolepsy, and me with a plethora of issues ranging from untreated PTSD, and TBI, to a whole range of relationship issues that also date back to my childhood as a Military Brat during the Cold War. Also we have a person with SAD who gets really bonkers this time of year without massive amounts of very bright light during the day.

I mean this group is potentially a volume of APA papers, in that we find community with all of our differences. And the problems we have had because of our differences. And I think we are more tolerant with the members of the group than ourselves because we know others are having ongoing situations that are not crises, but are ongoing problems that may never resolve. I know that autism doesn’t “get better” but that the people with it do learn better ways of coping, which is similar to amputees learning to operate their prosthesis better not being the same as regrowing missing limbs. Being more capable at dealing with the disability =/= “getting better”. And there are situations where neurodivergent people are better able to handle them than “normal” people, which is why we exist. If there was no survival benefit for the traits, they wouldn’t get passed down.

Anyway, we didn’t have a game today (again) because the GM ran out of spoons for the week, yesterday. He works for Dell Computer and literally works almost 5 days a week solid, because he can’t turn off his brain from work, and sometimes when it’s time for game there’s nothing left in the tank for playing RPG. It sucks, but that’s the way it is. One might as well complain about humidity and gravity as complain about his lack of ability to do things outside of work because of his work.

My current situation is also “functional” but not good. I’m alive, but I’m not enjoying it. I really need physical affection, but I lack access, and the ability to access what physical affection I have access to. That means there are people who would share physical affection but they would only share it if I could have missionary sex with them, which I can’t because of my orthopedic issues in my knees and hips. I’m more of a cuddler these days. Which is not what these people want.

In other news I checked the official list of who’s naughty and nice, and I’m not on either side, so when Santa asks, tell him I’m nice.

Well I’m INTP-T I think

I finally took a Meyers-Briggs test. Apparently, I’m introverted and tactical, a logician. My best job would be an analyst. This tracks with what I’ve seen during RPG where I set up ambushes and fight out of ambushes about the same success. I’m good at tactics, too, in-game.

In other news I have no freaking idea what to do with this information. I know it has something to do with relationships and work, but I have no information about what kind of person I should be looking for or what kind of work if I was still looking for work. So I basically have information that would have been useful 10-15 years ago, but useless to me now.

I think something like this is why I get so many weird job offers on LinkedIn, I did some survey things way back when and I have what they’re looking for besides sociopathy. “They” did some tests and found about half of successful companies have full-blown sociopaths running the ship.