And trying to figure out how not to think too much, because truth be told it hurts!
Like seriously, considering all the things I did wrong, or all the things I did right but hurt somebody but only because it was the lesser of two evils. Or because there was no alternative, and my natural alignment is Chaotic Good. Good when I can, but Chaotic when I Must. And far too often, I Must be chaos, for the Greater Good. And even though I know this is for good it still hurts.
Anyway, I start thinking about this when I read fiction that is about having to make moral choices. The really good superhero fiction is all about moral choices, like the first arc of the Spiderman story through Uncle Ben’s funeral, or the Hail Hydra arc of Captain America. Or another Cap arc, the Nomad story. Or the original Robin’s metamorphosis to Nightwing to bring in an example from the DC universe. Sure most superhero stories are wish-fulfilment fantasies, but many of them are all about morals and choices, and consequences of those choices. One story I read the hero/protagonist had to make the same choice, over and over, and no matter which choice she made the outcome was the same, it just was quicker or slower, depending on the choice. The Who What When and Where never changed, just the direction from where it came from, and how many people got hurt between making the choice and the final outcome, and it wasn’t The Protagonist that was ultimately affected, the choice was about a third party’s life or death.
Anyway I have been thinking about some of those moments in my own life, and possible alternative outcomes, or even if there was any chance of an alternative outcome. You know, as you do when you are a super. And eventually you just have to accept that what is done is locked away in the past and is unchangeable. What you did, and what was done to you. The best you can do is making sure nobody else is harmed by the things done to you, and that you never do again the things that harmed someone else.
And that’s enough words and thinking for tonight.