Things have been hard to process

We have had multiple mass shootings including Uvalde, and others that haven’t made the mass media, and I have had other problems that can be solved with money I don’t have. Ain’t things just peachy?

Personally, my leg where I got hit is not even functional to tolerances, specification is not even in the equation. It’s to the point that I make trips from the office to the kitchen, mailbox, toilet, and bedroom for fresh underwear, and that’s pretty much it. I have reached my limits of pain and exertion for the day, and I am mentally exhausted. I have the physical energy if I need to get up and do something, but mentally? I am done. I just can’t face getting out from behind the computer and going out to the hall or anything.

I got a jar of organic nut butter for free, so I thought we could replace a jar of peanut butter with it, but as it set on the shelf waiting for the peanut butter to get eaten it separated into oil and solids, and Mrs. the Poet poured off the oil and now we have basically a jar of nut solids in paste form, AKA edible concrete. So many cashews gave their lives for Mrs. the Poet to turn them into unspreadable paste. I honestly don’t know about her anymore, her mother didn’t do things like this.

The screaming in my ears is quieter today, I still can’t understand speach in a noisy environment, but a quiet conversation with Mrs. the Poet is possible without her having to shout or me saying “Huh?” every third word. And when we got surrounded by multiple lawn crews doing their thing I was near hair-pulling frustration at the noise. But they’re gone now, and I can hear myself think. Which was part of the reason I sat down at my computer, I have the ability to compose my thoughts through the keyboard and onto the screen. I just can’t think of much to say.

I did the marathon race thing on Sunday, but exhaustion from my disrupted sleep schedule caught up to me before the Coca-Cola 600 was a third of the way done. I watched the Red Bull, Ferrari, Red Bull finish in the rain and wreck shortened Monaco Gran Prix, I saw Marcus Erikson win the Indy 500, but I caught myself nodding off at lap 133 of 400 and put myself to bed before Denny Hamlin won his first World 600 after multiple green-white-checkers in NASCAR overtime. I did watch the YouTube highlights yesterday which is how I know Hamlin won and there were overtimes, but at the time it happened I was zonked out, sawing wood, slumbering, catching Z’s. Dead to the world. Off in the arms of Morpheus. T-I-R-E-D.

Now getting back to the problems I have that can only be solved with money. I need to get an upper plate denture at a minimum so I can bite and chew, but that’s looking out of my budget. I’m supposed to call Aspen Dental and see what they can do , but my wake cycles and their office hours are not synching up so when I’m awake to call them there’s nobody there to take the call, and when they are there I’m not awake. But I’m not sure I have enough $$ to get an upper plate. That’s the problem, I can’t get a price until I come in, and when I come in I’m committed to paying the price no matter how much it costs. That’s No Bueno for me.

Also I’m having the problem of not getting any female companionship in bed, the way I want and physically can manage. I mean I have arthritis in both knees and kneeling is uncomfortable at best to unbearable. And most sex acts require at least some kneeling except for a very few that can be done with the man flat on his back, and some that have to be done standing and my hips and back are unhappy with those positions. So if the woman involved isn’t light or agile enough to be on top, I don’t have sex. And since Mrs. the Poet is using a walker these days that precludes her from being agile enough. Not that she wants to these days, we’re down to one snuggle party per year. This is another problem that can be solved with money I don’t have…

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Dangit I need steady income

I have a bunch of gigs that I do to get money, but it’s all intermittent and slow in coming. Also never very much when it does come, which can get annoying. I mean it’s like a dollar from this gig every 3 weeks, 5 from this gig every 4 months, a hundred from this other gig every 18 months… And to make matters worse most of the money is not fungible, I can only spend it in certain places but not others. F’rinstance one gig only lets me spend online through their “mall” with inflated prices. Another pays me in gift cards to certain stores. Another only pays me in Amazon money. Sure I can get almost anything except meat and fresh produce from Amazon, but that’s not the point. The point is I need to make more money I can spend in any place I feel like spending it.

The other point is I need a job, but there are not many jobs I can do these days with what’s left of my body and brain. Most of the jobs I can do have been outsourced overseas, or automated out of existence. And it’s only going to get worse as my body ages and automation spreads, leaving me with fewer jobs I can physically do and fewer jobs that aren’t done by robots or some kind of autonomous machine. Add a little age discrimination in there, and I get sitting in a coldhot room typing nonsense on an ancient laptop as the sum total of my existence. Which is a gig that hasn’t made me any money in a couple of years at least.

I used to make relatively good money doing this, between ad sales and donations, but ad sales died about 3 years ago, and donations tapered off about a year after that. Most of my readers aren’t any better off financially than I am, and the concept of “disposable income” has become a fantasy for me. Mrs. the Poet harbors the fantasy of going to the grocery and buying all the food she wants of whatever brand she wants, without any thoughts of how much it will cost. Talk about a poor person’s fantasy… And my dreams and financial fantasies are a constant fodder for creating posts in my post murder-report blog. By some standards I’m a rich person, I have a house to live in, and a few gadgets to entertain myself, and I’m relatively food secure. It hasn’t always been this way, there were periods of my life where we were not food secure, when making rent was a constant worry. Those days are gone now, but their scars still remain.

So objectively I’m in decent shape as far as survival is concerned, but what I’m looking for exceeds mere survival. I want to live rather than survive. I know that sounds selfish and I guess it is to an extent. But that is the nature of the beast, moving on to improve things once survival has been ensured. And if you’re feeling in a donating mood the link to my PayPal account is over by the bottom right corner of the page. Look for “Send Me Money”.

For a smart guy I do a lot of stupid things

OK I’m semi laid up again because I hurt my foot in a stupid way. I just got the new shoes and I went for a couple of walks with them. It turns out the new shoes don’t have the same room in the toebox as the old shoes in spite of the new shoes being a half-size larger, and I need to get my toes done again. Anyway what happened is I went a bit too far walking with long toenails and they rubbed on the inside of the shoe and pulled up on the toenail. This is as you might imagine very uncomfortable to say the least. I’m not bedridden, but walking outside the house is limited to what I can do barefoot. So basically I can get the mail and take out the trash and recycling, and that’s about it.

Still haven’t gotten any of the right kind of junk mail so the scale mockup is stalled for lack of materials. Ain’t that the story of my life? Lots of projects, most stalled because of lack of some part or tool or at the base of it all money. I really need to win the lottery just so I can get my projects finished.

And I’m going to put my foot up now because sitting makes my toes hurt.

Too hot to be walking around

But I did anyway. Bills had to be paid and there wasn’t enough time to get payment there in the mail. So I walked 3 miles in the heat, sweating profusely.

I’m getting frustrated trying to get the handling balanced on the TGS2. How frustrated you ask? Frustrated enough to look up RWD transmissions that bolt up to the 3.3/3.8l V6 that is in the free donor vehicle. Frustrated enough to look at tire combinations that look like they go on 2 different cars. I need enough tire to work with the 12.19″ front brake on my build list, and enough rear tire to keep the back following the front. And it has to be cheap and Not Ugly. Not demanding beauty just Cheap, Works, and Not Ugly. And until I get enough money to actually start building this car all these ideas are going to have the life expectancy of a drummer in Spinal Tap.

I gotta go, y’all keep cool.