Tag Archives: Q

If James Bond rode a bike, Wreck-Free Sunday

Today’s topic was suggested by a reader (Hi Sioux!), what would Q put on Bond’s bike? Well since bikes get stolen so easily, some way of calling in a strike from orbit via one of those secret gigawatt laser attack satellites to turn Mr. Bike Thief into Mr. Pile o’Smoldering Ash is the first thing that comes to mind. And since people love running bikes off the roads if they think they can get away with it, something that stops a car engine from running, instantly (a little-known fact, all GM cars made after 2005 can be shut off and the doors locked by remote control). Since bad guys don’t always have new cars something to cause a car to slow down or go off the road (caltrops made from tubing instead of round stock comes to mind). The problem with all this is that most bikes have an under-seat bag for storage, barely enough room for Bond’s Walther PPK, much less enough caltrops to be certain of disabling a car. So right off the bat we’re looking at a touring bike, not some crabon wünder-ride. Actually a recumbent with a tail-box and a hidden electric-assist would be more along the lines of what Q would provide, to give James that “hidden advantage” over both cars and fellow cyclists.

So, a recumbent with a tail-box behind the seat, hidden e-assist (probably in the high tens of KW range, a stealth electric motorcycle disguised as a recumbent bicycle) with GPS tracking, a radio transmitter that broadcasts the code to shut down modern cars, and a supply of caltrops big enough to halt older cars. What else are we missing? Bikes don’t have license plates, so we can’t have the changeable plate gag. Bikes are also not stable enough to use as a weapons platform for anything bigger than a Uzi 9mm (which is a shame because I found some 12 ga. shells that will split a cast iron cylinder block with a single shot, or break the crankshaft in an aluminum block with that single shot, problem with those is they require a 32″ barrel to fire from to develop the velocity needed to do these feats of destruction) mounted on the bike. So maybe not a bike but a tadpole trike? e-Typhoon this would have the room to carry all the stuff that Q would install, the power to move it at a high rate of speed (for a few miles) and look more or less like a “normal” tadpole recumbent trike. Bond is famous for driving around in exotic modes of transportation (the DB5, the Lotus Esprit that turned into a sub, the DB7, as well as more “mundane” rides like that Saab Turbo with night vision for driving without lights that looked like any of thousands of Saab Turbos made that year) so that Bond could get his exercise in and also have a way to escape if the bad guys pick his workout to assassinate him. Not bullet proof, but you can’t have everything. And the tadpole trike is stable enough to use something in the .45 cal. range on that turret mounted machine gun with a TV camera sight that transmits the picture to the rear-view mirror on the rider’s helmet so the rider can look forward to not hit things in front of him while aiming backwards to hit things behind him. Also, hidden paintball guns that fire UV marker balls to be able to ID cars used in secret locations to transport bad guys, the mark would be invisible after a few seconds except under a particular UV wavelength. This also is an existing technology that has been around for years that has been used to track vehicles used in drug deals and by terrorists.

Not that any of this would actually get used in a real Bond movie, but the concepts are fun to think about and the fantasy of having such things to use against a knuckle-dragger on the street with a WMD and the will to use it against a cyclist are empowering if only for a moment. But I would pay to see James Bond riding a recumbent tadpole trike like that. I might even buy the DVD…

PSA, Opus